Tragedy, and Sleepless Nights

If tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see.

If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me

I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today. While thinking of the many things we didn't get to say.

If I could relive yesterday, just even for a while, I'd say good-bye and kiss you and maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized, that this could never be, for emptiness and memories, would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things, I might miss come tomorrow, I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates, I felt so much at home. When God looked down and smiled at me, From His great golden throne,

He said, "This is eternity, and all I've promised you." Today your life on earth is past, but here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last, and since each day is the same way, there's no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful, so trusting and so true. Though there were times you did some things, you knew you shouldn't do.

But you have been forgiven, and now at last you're free. So won't you come and take my hand, and share my life with me

So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart, for every time you think of me, I'm right here, in your heart.

- Author Unknown 

Tuesday will find me travelling for the funeral of the brother of a very dear friend of mine.  I can't seem to get past the dark cloud that surrounds the tragic events which lead to his death, and can't find it in my heart to blame him for it, as many other's seem to do so easily.
I am not one to judge...who are we to do so; it isn't for us to judge others. I am not one to say he was right or wrong. I understand mental illness very well; it is all around me in the family members I love who are living, and also in those who have passed. It is a horrible sickness, warping the mind like arthritis, and stealing the soul like cancer. It will sneak up on the best of us when we aren't looking...whether you are a devoted Christian or not. And until you walk a day, no, an hour, minute, or second in their shoes, you will never fully understand the power of a disabling mental disease. I personally have walked that path...taken the pills, visited many psychiatrists, only to come out of it all never wanting to go down that path ever again. I can only explain it as a darkness which is consuming in such a way that nothing brings you any light; it's smothering. So no, it isn't for me to judge at all.
But I will be there to grieve, to mourn, and to show my support and love for a family who took me into their hearts so long ago as one of their own.
Rest in Peace Darren, Hayley, and baby Cayden